Jokes and Anecdote that you can't stop laughing at: June 2007

Thursday, June 28, 2007

A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

Here are some of the entries they received.

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

Viral Linking:Increase Pagerank Smoothly

Andy Coates came up with an interesting idea of viral linking couple of months back and it had been a huge success since then.I came to hear of it from Chuckster very lately but still the heat is on so i decided to give it a shot.Here's what you need to do:

Instructions:

1.) Copy and paste the entire matrix of “ViralTags” below.

2.) Substitute the Host Tag and one of the “ViralTags” in the matrix with your anchor text of choice containing your blog’s URL. Please keep anchor text to a maximum of 3 words to keep the matrix size manageable.

3.) When you get a ping back from someone that has your link in one of their “ViralTags”, practice good karma by copying his/her Host Tag’s anchor text (automatically the associated link will also be copied) and paste it over one of your “ViralTags” below.

4.) Encourage and invite your readers to do the same and soon this can grow virally.

--------COPY AND PASTE THE VIRAL LINK BELOW ON YOUR BLOG-------

Host Tag: Jokes

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Warning if you are neighbour of a beautiful woman whose husband comes late.

A man came home early from work one day to find his wife fucking the next door neighbour. He got his shotgun and forced the man into the garage, stark naked, where he put the man’s cock in the vice. He welded the vice shut and started sharpening a knife.
“My God,” said the neighbour, “you’re not going to cut my cock off are you?”
“No,” answered the husband, “you are. About three minutes after I set this place on fire.”

Car Technical support :

Car Technical support :

If People Thought of Cars like they do about Computers -
Tech-support
people will find this especially amusing... By: Unknown
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who
don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy
computers- but imagine if they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have
to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a
needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the
vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with
everything built in!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it
crashed . and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in
my car!"

Top 10 rejection lines given by Men

(and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)

SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE INTERNET.

>
>1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

>2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.

>3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3

>4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you to
> ask: "Do you wanna go get a coke?"; and he replies: "Yeah,
> give me five Mins"

>5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South
> America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour
> yet this year.

>6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that
> they are not online.

>7. Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.

>8. You hear most of your jokes via email rather than in person.

>9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer
> the phone in a business like manner.

>10. When you make phone calls from home, you automatically
> dial a "0" to get an outside line.

>11. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

>12. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay increase.

>13. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.

>14. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

>15. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.

>16. You're already late on the assignment you just received.

>17. Your relatives and friends describe your job as "works with computers".

>18. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
>

>.....................AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..........................
>
>19. You read this entire list and you keep nodding and smiling.
>20. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
> "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
>21. It crosses your mind that your "jokes group" may have already seen this
> list but you don't have time to check so you forward

Monday, June 25, 2007

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

(and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in
"Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear
phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system',
much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better
than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating
detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male
perspective thing.)

SEX ONE-LINERS

SEX ONE-LINERS

Is it wrong to have sex before you are married?
Only if you are late for the ceremony.

My sex life is a disaster. Last night the Red Cross showed up with coffee and doughnuts.

What's a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dickheads.

What's the difference between medium and rare?
6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

Why didn't Dolly Parton ever take up stage acting?
They all said she'd be a big bust on Broadway.

How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?
When he can still step on Dolly Parton's toes.
What was Dolly Parton voted in high school?

Most likely to breast-feed Ethiopia.
Why was Joan Collins voted most popular girl at the US Cavalry dance?
Because she was mounted more times than the horses.

Why was Joan Collins voted "Woman of the Year" by Screw magazine?
Because she had more meat between her buns than McDonald's.

Did you know that Rock Hudson was going to make a movie with Sylvester Stallone?
They were going to call it Ram-Butt.

Did you know that Rock Hudson had his auto insurance canceled three times?
He kept getting rear-ended.

Did you hear that Rock Hudson was thinking about buying a cookie franchise?
He was going to call it Famous Anus.

Why was Billie Jean King such a good tennis player?
Because she swings both ways.

What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?
The Hanger.

What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?
20 class rings fell out.

A bikini is the closest thing to a barbed-wire fence...it protects the property without obstructing any of the view.

What proof do we have that prostitution is recession-proof?
Everyone knows that hookers thrive on hard times.

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!
What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends...

What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!
Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emgerency room to get it out!
KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product: "Y2K-Y Jelly: when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?"
What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush!!
How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey.
Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
"They'll never see you coming."
How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.
What's the the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"
What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toy's for Twats.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
What's the definition of eternity?
The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.
How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in....definitely!
What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.
A Chinese couple is in bed. The husband says he wants 69. His wife says, "Why you want Beef and Broccoli now?"
What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
George Michael's latest release.
My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. (pause) He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"
Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.
What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?
How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.
What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods, so she ran up to him, knocked him flat on his back. Sat on his face, and yelled, "Lie to me, lie to me!"
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... Men will screw anything.
What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

HOW TO GET A WATCH :-))) Little Johnny.

HOW TO GET A WATCH :-)))

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing. "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope." "You didn't steal it did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. "Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father

Ten best things to say if you're caught sleeping at your desk

-Ten best things to say if you're caught sleeping at your desk

10. They told me at the blood donor clinic that this might happen
9. This is just a 165 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to
8. Whew! I guess I left the top off the Twink (NZ)/White-out(Oz). You probably got here just in time
7 I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm
6 I was testing me keyboard for drool resistance
5 I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice yoga?
4 Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost worked out a solution to our biggest problem.
3. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot
2 Does my desk smell funny to you?
1 ...in Jesus' name. Amen

Is this what I pay you for???????

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him,
“Is this what I pay you for?”
The manager replied: “No, sir, this I do free of charge.”

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as a lover.

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as a lover. The first woman says “My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.”
The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”
The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”

Jokes and Anecdote that you can't stop laughing at